I've basically been a wantrepreneur for a few years now and only recently I've found an idea that has a slightly higher chance of succeeding compared to all my other dumb ideas I had in the past. I'm basically starting to get low on money investing in courses and equipment for this business and I'm unsure if I'll even make something that'll work.
I guess the uncertainty is annoying me a lot. I guess if I'm slowly draining my money away and if I don't succeed, I could off myself. I can't really stand being a failure. To want to walk your own path, fail and have everyone say "I told you so" is bringing me anxiety. Again, I was contemplating that if I failed, I could have an easy way out.
This isn't really about depression. I've been depressed on and off and I know what it's like to feel suicidal under depression (where I've lost the will to live), but this is more of a situation where I'm simply in the mindset of solving problems and in the state where I am extremely self conscious of my status as a person. I guess I can't really deal with the shame of being a failure and I guess it's just convenient to end things as that to me may be an effective solution at solving all of my problems. You can't really blame this kind of mindset considering all these years I've just had to adapt my mind into a machine that solves problems. I guess it has come to a very grave conclusion/solution.
Can anyone else relate to this?
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